Unselfish Love

I love how much Kate loves life. Her feet (and mouth!) only have two speed settings: fast and faster. Unlike her more cautious friends, Kate seems to leap first and think later. In many ways, zest for life and thirst for adventure are great personality traits, but they're also a bit risky when you're too young to understand concepts like gravity, danger, and pain causing potential. The pictures above are samples of just a few of the results of Kate's adventurous lifestyle combined with her lack of coordination in these first two years. After multiple fingers were slammed in doors, run-ins with the fireplace, nightstand injuries, and so many other things, you would think a girl would learn not to rush into precarious situations, but my girl will not be deterred from her life of fun by a few mere trips to the emergency room or doctor visits.

Whenever Kate started moving and it became evident she was a very accident prone child, I became her shadow at every turn to catch her before she jumped. I can't even count the number of times I've been in the right place at just the right time to rescue her from an almost certain impending ER visit. Until just recently, I thought doing this was good parenting - that I was protecting her, saving money on co-pays and insurance deductibles, and most importantly helping guard her against pain.

But as Kate approaches her third birthday, I'm starting to look at my response to her behavior differently. I'm beginning to realize I can't follow her around forever. She needs to be given freedom to do more without me as she gets older - and for that to be a possibility I need to find ways to teach this impulsive toddler how to navigate her world more wisely. So I've decided to try to afford her more freedom by backing off when she's doing semi-unsafe things (semi-unsafe = you will probably fall, get a bump or bruise, and need a mommy hug, but not break a bone or need stitches, facial super-glue, or staples). The mommy in me will never back off when it looks like she's going to really get hurt, but in the little things I can step back and give her a chance to learn to make better choices in order to build her self confidence - and my confidence - in her balance, brains, and coordination to accomplish the task at hand.

Today in the bookstore such an opportunity presented itself. Rather than asking for help, Kate decided she needed to move one of the step stools over to one of the circular rotating book shelves because she wanted a book on a shelf she couldn't reach. But I didn't get up to stop her or solve the situation for her by just getting the book down myself like I normally would have - I just tried to calmly advise her with words that I didn't think what she was doing was safe. As has often happened lately, she chose to go ahead with her plan to get the book on her own.

I looked on the scene holding my breath: she somehow managed to pick up the stool that probably weighed as much as she does, staggered it over near the shelf, climbed on top of it, and stretched on her tippy toes to reach a book on the very top shelf with the tips of her fingers while holding onto the unsteadily tilting wire book rack with her other hand. When she pulled the book out and climbed off the stool she proudly ran over to show it to me. When I saw the title she'd been straining to get her hands on I couldn't help but laugh out loud:

I know it was the wings and wand - not to mention the pink and purple colors - that drew her to this book rather than the title, but what an ironic choice for her current "terrific two" state... especially since her momma had just asked her not to do what she was doing! But the way she was able to safely get the book made me see that some of what I've been looking at as naughtiness is really just her becoming more and more of her own independent and self sufficient little person.

It's hard for me to wrap my mind around the fact Kate is already old enough for me to need to learn how to let her occasionally experience pain that can result from the privilege of independence so she can learn, grow, and be able to more confidently handle bigger hurdles that will come later in her life. I want to protect her from every kind of pain and to do everything possible to shelter her innocence and keep her safe. Yet I think me being her protective shadow is inadvertantly hurting her because I'm not affording her opportunities to learn how to be as independent as she can be (for her age) which in turn would give her the self confidence she needs to hopefully grow up and make those wise choices I want her to make in life!

But where does a momma draw the line around what is a safe parameter for independence and where dependence is still required? It didn't look like she could break her arm falling off a step stool, but that doesn't mean it couldn't have happened. There are definitely lots of black (sticking metal in electrical outlets) and white areas (being allowed to walk on her own while staying close to me in public rather than strapped in the stroller) where the choice is very clear, but there are also a lot of gray areas in our day to day life where it's hard for me to discern whether I need to step back to foster independence & confidence or jump in to rescue from frustration or a struggle.

Stepping back at age appropriate moments and letting her make her own mistakes has been very hard for me these last few days, but I know I need to try my best to figure the balance out because I think that's big part of me becoming a successful parent for Kate. But why is it so difficult for me to do that when I understand it's what is best for her? I think part of my desire for her to not experience the pain that comes with independent choices is due to the fact it deeply hurts my heart to see her struggle (especially when I can fix it) - I can't express how desperately I want to rush in, save her, and ease her pain as quickly as possible. But I must choose to love her more unselfishly and understand it's not about me - so she can be free to learn to live a stronger, more self confident, and wiser life even if some of those lessons need to be learned through unavoidable struggles, pain, or frustration.

Understanding this concept from a parenting viewpoint gives me a fresh perspective on the struggles God allows in my life. He loves me so wisely and unselfishly that He gives me bite size opportunities at just the right time so I can grow in confidence, strength, and wisdom to be better able to tackle the bigger things coming in my life. Giving me chances to grow and learn new things when it's uncomfortable and hard isn't the mean or uncaring punishment I've often seen it as when I've been looking from the vantage point of a low valley of struggling. It really is yet another example of the sort of love that's patient and kind, not self seeking or easily angered, that keeps no record of wrongs, and the kind that always protects, trusts, hopes, and perseveres (1 Cor 13). I want to make every effort possible to love Kate and others with an unselfish love that puts their needs above my wants.

I'll be sure to keep you updated on Kate's more independent new life adventures. I have a feeling it's going to be an interesting ride for all of us!